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Sunday, September 25th, 2005
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2:22 am
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| Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
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12:50 am - an eye is upon you
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| Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004
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6:46 pm - the heart does not necessarily forget what the mind requires to neglect....
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sorted stuff out....todays number is 17....yesterdays was 16...lets count to 20....
along simular lines, i finally spoke to fernando last friday at velvet and funhaus...it was odd but satisfying. i feel sorry for him, for his inability to not creep people out of their socks. he has a way about him which those who know him can attest to. he is aware of this though, and he wishes people could understand he means no harm. its not that simple my friend, if i may call u that. so he wanted to come to gregs after and burn, but i had no intentions of staying at gregs after the club, i was far too tired and seeing as though plan A fell through, i needed to go to emmas to sleep. i went inside to talk to some people and say goodbye, when i came back out fernando was gone, i take it he didnt want to wait around...i was in their for sometime. cant say i feel too bad for that aspect, but i wonder if maybe we should give him the chance...he is psychotic i am sure of it, but even jeff dauhmer needed a hug sometimes!
current mood:  bouncy
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 21st, 2004
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10:25 am - A RETROSPECTIVE GLANCE
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and as the year comes to a close...i have one real regret: lowering myself for someones attention and affection when all it did was provoke their guilt. and that disgusted me. it was a rude awakening to the fact that i was no longer of the same significance...and it did feel shitty...because at that time i really stupidly felt expressing my feelings was the right thing to do, and that retaining these feelings was the right thing to do in the name of love and honour. to express and affirm their significance. it wasnt. plain and simple. it was weakness. but more so it was blindness. to be told lies and/or sugar coated fables to soften the blow didnt help sorry. hehe, changes were nigh, and necessary. this was necessary to make me realize the key to my happiness really did lie in letting go of the past and all that could have been. nothing in my life is perfect, and there is something that i am still fighting with. but i am doing what i can to fight it. i dont worry about it as much, it no longer rules my mood and my day. i am as happy as i could possibly be right now. and i know that my close friends know it. they have noticed the significant difference. except when i play fifa and lose to matt...haha...phone books still get thrown for dom's amusement.
so, now there is only future and in most aspects it looks rather bright, i have what i want and what i need right now. the best fucking friends who are loyal and considerate, simply who care. i dont need to show superiority in how i communicate, or put on a face to emphasize my emotional position in places and events where i just dont care to. no longer special. it just doesnt matter anymore. there no longer resides any bitterness, and feelings of shortcommings, because there really wasnt anything worth being bitter over. i know that now, i know my place and what i have given in the past, and what i need to give in the future, and what things i did wrong. i learned. it only took six years to come to terms with it. yowza! EVERYONE HAVE FUN AND BE SAFE!
current mood:  accomplished
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, December 6th, 2004
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10:56 am - 3 best friends, grew up together, and now died together....
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all it takes is one instant to change ur life forever. one bad decision and people will be mourining your loss devastated by the tragedy of losing u at a young age for nothing. i held a friend of mine while she cried in my arms last night because her now deceased b/f jon marshall was killed in a car accident early saturday morning. the love of her life taken away in one moment. she didnt get to say goodbye, didnt get to tell him she loved him one last time before he left us. that alone is worth so much to someone who loses someone they love, especially in a sudden tragic way.
although the reasons for the accident are related to reckless behaviour, i am not going to say anything about that, my point is that we lose track of our priorities many times. we get into fights and have falling outs with people we care for and we dont think about what it would be like if thats the last experience with someone u are going to have. i cant fathom the idea of losing the people i care for and not even just family. my friends mean a lot to me, and those i really are close to and love i hold dear even in troubled times.
so i ask u people to please just chill and dont take for granted the friends and family u have, u never know what is gonna happen. if u love someone, lover, family member, friend, love them hard and let them know how u feel because u never know when the last time u will see them may be.
peace and love to u all!
RIP Jon Marshall
current mood:  thankful
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
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8:37 am
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| Friday, November 26th, 2004
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11:56 pm
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bah...so i should be more specific when i say things...
scummy mistake....candice...is one of mine...a conversation i had 2 minutes before my previous post inspired it, it had merit to ur analysation...buuuut, and a big butt....it was mostly general but not entirely. and one day i will laugh, i just wish i could laugh now.
ur soo vain i bet u think this post is about u, dont u? dont u? dont u?
hehe....take it with a grain of sand please.
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4:35 pm - soon i will be laughing
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i should laugh now, but that would be mean...and well just out of bitterness...
but i will laugh soon enough, when i can do so without the threat of a tear of sadness or void.
i will laugh pretty hard.
this is me giving my resignation. i quit.
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| Wednesday, November 24th, 2004
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12:59 pm - sunshine after the storm...
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well...its been about almost 2 weeks that i have been in very good spirits about everything. it sorta all started with meeting skinny puppy in toronto and has extended from there. my heart seems to finaly be more in tune with my mind. i have decided that make a stab at leaving the past rest. i was such a fool to listen to my heart and let it take over what my rational side was telling me. not that i am in any way saying my heart is that wrong. i do feel many times its best to go with what the emotions and heart dictate because they can be stronger and make more sense with its chaotic ways. however...due to certain circumstances and last minute realizations its time to heal and stitch the wound. and hope the scar is mininal. my first act was to delete many pictures of good memories. and i honestly feel very different now since doing it. my soul feels at peace with the decision and it seems far better to have nothing to look back to because i am such a nostalgic person. i had something really great under my nose that i knew about but just didnt seem to truly appreciate because i was too distracted. so i decided to give much more of myself to this person, and funny enough i seem to have a very renewed sense of passion and enjoyment....and like i said in my previous post, i have some good things on my plate right now to keep my busy. i sorta feel bad that to get through this the right way i am gonna have worry more about what i wont do, rather than what i will do, omission is the key...i dont care what people think, im tired of trying to be understanding and cool with everything...silly or immature? go fuck urself nicely! this is about me, me, and me, not u, not them...me. nothing personal, i just dont care to care...have a nice day! :) anyway...
the next thing that has helped me is the fact that i am no longer worrying about my hair. i mean i still think about and i am in the process of figuring stuff out, but i dont obsess over it, i feel soo much more relaxed and happy. its been a good 4 months since i have felt this good. i hope it lasts...dropping my honours program helped me a lot as well, i just dont need it, iwas only there for my parents and i feel that being able to make that decision with my parents support really lifted me.
on a side not, my business cards came in. i now have to admit i feel cooler be able to pull one out and say "well here is my card" , i have my own company email addy as well so its all so professional!
life is getting a little better, hopefully it continues...love? fuck it...two tears in a bucket mother fuck it! no more fear...i can breathe, i still have hair for the time being, sex is really fucking amazing right now since i have realized how to open my eyes. if things get worse ah well...i deal with it then.
current mood: accomplished
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| Monday, November 22nd, 2004
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9:07 am
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driving around for work on friday i listened to peter gabriel all day...and it hit me...i am doing the right thing...no matter what... i owe nothing to no one....no more attempts at dancing with the devil cause the devil dont always dance back. this song made some sense to me on friday as i have already made attempt at letting go of my past by deleting all of my pictures relating to the what i need to forget for now. they are useless...and i do feel better already. it was a good weekend. although i had to give in to some mercy sex on friday...i figured i would make someones evening...sounds bad...but she was begging for it so i did it...i have to admit i have been on the other side of the situation before sadly so i understood. and no it wasnt emma but someone else i met a few weeks ago at fiddler's green. i think right now is the best time to do what it is i am doing, i have some good things on my plate to entertain me for awhile and i should really begin to appreciate my options. instead of reaching for something that is already suffocated and dry...its really hard and i am not saying i am out of the woods, i still have only begun to escape this forest of succubus. there is only so much u can give without concenting return.
I GRIEVE
it was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
there's nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
it's just the way that you would tied in
now there's no-one home
i grieve for you
you leave me
'so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on
the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can't handle this
i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what's gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on
life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that's out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on
it's just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on
did I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve
current mood:  content
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, October 29th, 2004
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9:18 am
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send me an angel...send me an angel...RIGHT NOW!!
hopefully one i can appreciate fully this time.
current mood:  confused
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, October 17th, 2004
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5:13 am - object of ur affection....but mostly ur attention
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well, i have decided to post tonight/this morning cause i havent really posted anything super positve in a while....and tonight was spectacular...
but lets start with last night/this morning...emma slept over for what may be the last time according to her...however i wouldnt bet on it...and the reason is on friday i decided to tell her something i did which i knew she wounldnt take too kindly to. but it was something that needed to be said because despite everything i do respect her and even though i was not bound to her in fidelity, i am suppose to tell her when i do enjoy other fruits...so yadda yadda we spent all morning talking, then got up and out by 2pm went to galaxy diner for a great lunch...drove her home and thus began the epic evening....first...i went home...took a nice long bath...which is weird cause i havent taken a bath in a very long time...then i called rose and wanted to know if she wanted to come to leanna's place for jenn's porn themed b-day party...and so she agreed (my original plans were to have another person come however they canceled)and we went to leanna's and from there it took off...great 70's porn flicks...bush and all..hehe...chocolate martini's, penis cake...drunk people..good times...sex board games...and it was a tame early evening until we hit velvet...where many people i know met up for a crazy fun evening...i was dressed to kill and i did...armed with a purple feathered bowa no less...
there we met perfectly on schedule with tania, daniel, daniela (tania's twin who i saw at ministry in shock not knowing she had a twin)and some of their friends...sandy and mike di s**f**o (not worthy of my name in his last name for reasons i need not mention and they have nothing to do with his actions but his mentality and disgusting lack or respect...yes he is a shiester...but much worse in ways maybe u will never find out..amazing what some people say and think behind other peoples back), and as well others like greg from belleville, abel, vic...we all got drunk nicely and danced like maniacs...and this is where it got good...leanna and her friend ashely were quite the dancers and like a snaked i charmed them with my bowa(i have to write like this cause well it just fits the tone of my mood)and my tongue...no not in that wonderful down under kinda way...but yea i never felt so good at a club, so in control and sexy...powerful it was..moving so well everything flowed...tania and rose were fun as well but in a diff way of course even though tania is quite the sport...she didnt cross any boudaries that might have caught daniel's concern...however i really think the night hit climax when i wrapped my bowa around a lovely lady who i call the mysterious mesh coyboy hat no underwear wearing lady...and from that moment i was in control...its all in t he eyes and the passion of how u communicate ur movements...hehe she even made a wonderful comment that was of course another ego boost for the evening it went something like only after 4 songs with u, u make me want a ciggerette...with a wink...NICE! i dunno about u guys and i think dom can verify the same as with his fun times in clubs in london, the grinding, the eye contact the passion in movement just felt soo wonderful, so free and for hours not a problem mattered...cause u are the object of affection, of lust, and u command the show...and for someone who fears the lack of control in life it was so good to feel powerful...for u people who could care less thats nice...this is my journal and i feel so great about what i felt that i dont care what anyone else thinks...and what was so great about it when i decided to leave i kissed her softly told her it was my pleasure and left...not caring about a number, about taking her home or going back to her place cause i reckon she was at least 25-30, it was the idea that i didnt need to fuck her, i couldnt have cared less...u know u had it, like a fish caught and then released...it was just great....
so i left saw everyone outside, went to get a pita, rose was getting a ride back to daniel's with this guy i forget his name, and sebastian...but they hit a fence somewhere along the line and required my assitance with my trusty carkit, my rope did the trick..then we finally got to daniel's where we had our night cap joint, lounging to guitar playing..and roomates who were quite cool....tania myself and rose on a bed relaxed...it was just a nice ending...and then i drove rose home....the end....wow if u stayed for the whole story....good for u!! hehe...actually its interesting...i made some new friends, people i knew but never really knew, tania being one of them...hanging out with her and rose at the sex shop they work at for lunch was amazing!! its cool to talk with open people...share stories and stresses...play with sex toys and eat harvey's. tania had some great insights on some of my resent troubles and she spoke so wise beyond her years that i really think she would be a great person to become really good friends with...ok i will wrap this up now, good morning everyone!!!
current mood: sorta horny but satisfied
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, October 6th, 2004
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5:38 am
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hmm...i am confused...and pimply this week....not too good especially for going out to velvet tomorrow night...didnt finish my homework last night cause of a certain someone who decides they want to freak out on me...argh i hope today works out much better...i hope today happens at all..need clarity need to know whats gonna happen...
current mood:  crappy
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 29th, 2004
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9:24 am - AMAZING!
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ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
WOW....bought it last nightm watched it with emma, matt and vanessa..wow....scares me a little bit...
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, September 11th, 2004
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11:52 am - ...oh thats my girl!!!
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first words that came out of my mouth when milla slams her way into the church with her motorcyle in resident evil apocolypse...she made me drool the whole movie, its soo funny i was like gonna almost whip it out right there, needless to say emma wasnt very happy about that, i think she gets oddly jealous of such things...how silly...ah well...i made it up to her...so i guess that part of me is back, sorta...i mean... hehe ah well bye bye folks.
current mood: bouncy
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 7th, 2004
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8:52 am - try not to wonder...
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good weekend i must say, detroit was very good, exactly the chill get a way i needed...thank u dawn for everything...and ur soo right about that stuff we talked about outside ur apt. i wish it were that east though. yesterday was pretty cool, chilling int he park although i must say its annoying when some people just have nothing good to say. always a criticism...oh and this is gonna one of my last posts i am taking a long hard break from all this...thanks and bye for now
current mood:  annoyed
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 2nd, 2004
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3:29 pm - and so it moves on....
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well....all good things come to an end...and i sense some things ending and wonderful multiple things starting...although i shouldnt be so sure... knows what twists and turns hide around the corner? detroit should be good, going there alone but i will be meeting up with a friend from Port Huron on sunday and have her spend sunday and monday in detroit with me and the rest if possible! i am looking forward to that and what will be happening in the next week or so...tomorrow should be fun as well, work, then going out with angelica to a movie or something then leaving for detroit, well actually dunno if i am leaving tomorrow night late or saturday morning?
over all summer is pretty much over...regrets...well a couple...but for te most part it as the best it could have been under the circumstances...i wish some things would have gone smoother but what can u do...things are very stable right now and i have a little more on my plate than i can handle but at least i have more to deal with than little to nothing to deal with!! its funny how rifght at the end of the summer where my free time is about to diminish i start getting far more attention, but bac earlier when i needed more people or things to do...there was nothing...ah well no complaints!!
current mood:  naughty
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| Monday, August 30th, 2004
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8:15 pm
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"if i promised a girls father i would not see his daughter....i would close my eyes while she serviced my manhood"
hahaha... love that...wow... really like the movie 50 first dates...quite funny and cute and it tickles me heart in all the right spots...well maybe its the wrong ones...but for reasons i dare not say!
current mood:  dorky
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9:20 am - u sure u can fit all that in one bag???
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i dunno but i sure as hell will try...summer almost wrapped up...this weekend was interesting, fun camping experience, and last night at the dip was very fun! the little 3 on 2 game with myself, vanessa, matt, jochen and james proved very exciting anc competative. i have to say i really out did myself, i felt really good on the ball last night, i made some very nice moves to get around matt and the rest, not always successful but enough to win the game!
so far so good...i think this summer turned out a hell of a lot better than i thought it would after coming back from italy to an emotional crises...regardless of little slip ups along the way. but i got a lot accomplished i believed, cept in music, but i think i figured out what it is that keeps holding me back from getting stuff finished quicker... anyway, there are still 3 key things stefano has to do in the next week or two...one of which in detroit, the other 2 whenever it can be orginized, hopefully sooner than later, because i dont want to prolong the deception that is required to pull them off!! but thats how it has to happen...
current mood: jubilant
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| Wednesday, August 25th, 2004
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9:51 am - crazy fucking day
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one crazy fucking day...almost got killed on the 407...my windshield is cracked now...
but on the bright side, fresh grown strawberries are pretty fucking tasty...and were inspiring!!
i miss fruit and chocolate sauce...
u know its odd there are some things i like to do and it transcends those people i do it with...but some things (not necessarily the aformentioned fruit fun)i just dont feel like sharing with anyone else...well at least not now anyway...
certain people just feel more natural with certain activites and not just sexually, i dunno...hard to explain in detail and it wouldnt matter anyhow...
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